Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
