I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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