Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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