She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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