She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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