so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I skipped work to stalk him.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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