he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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