he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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