It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
