you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
