Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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