So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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