last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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