i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
