Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
