Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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