Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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