Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
