This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
At least life still wants to fuck me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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