i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I wear drunk well.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
