were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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