Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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