Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
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It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
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I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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