You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
