Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
