Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
