It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
