no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
