four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Are my feet made of real feet?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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