You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
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They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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