We're like a lot better than the average bears
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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