I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
