I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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