I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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