i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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