I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
