he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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