Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
