it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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