I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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