The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
