Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
