A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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