she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
