I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
