I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
