Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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