Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
