I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
