My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
