I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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