the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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