This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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