I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
