He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
