Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
