He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
