dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
